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• If I didn’t have humor I would sit in a tower and shoot people

  Good thing I have family and friends that make me laugh or you might die. I know that’s kind of harsh and may rub people the wrong way. You know what you can do………….rub your face into my penis….insert penis jokes here. I can’t explain my mood right now. I’m in an alright mood but i guess I’m just a bitter person. I work in a place where you have to deal with people and I don’t really like people. There are always those cool people who are understanding and nice but most of them are retarded and gay. A lot of foreign people come to America and get East Coast attitudes where they demand and think they run shit. I had a retard come in and ask me if a exercise bike was manual or electronic. I thought of a bunch of comments such as……..go back to your country fucktard, are you serious, what would be the point of that, are you special, or to just walk away. I said ummmmmm no. He then asked me what the plug in was for and I told him the display and walked off. Then a person with a heart of gold came and helped him because I would have been mean and made him cry or been fired. John Daniels delt with an idiot too but I’ll let him tell that story if he feels like it or ever writes another blog. Let me just say this guy walked around like he had a permanent concussion. He had that look that just says dddddddrrrrrrrrrrr loud and all the time. Charles Barkley is the next Anchor Man. Axl I want my free f’n Dr. Pepper. Add any other random thought here. Me without rage is like a porn flick without sex. I hope I don’t lose it ever. I know Bourbon won’t ever lose it. Neither will John and Tom. We’ve all been slacking on this site but I promise I’ll try to put more blogs up and not just links. I have to work tomorrow and it should be busy. Let’s all hope you are at the lake or doing stuff that doesn’t involve you being anywhere close to where I’m at. I’m sure you’re not a dumb ass idiot because your reading my blog but there might be a chance and I don’t want to deal with you if you are……..go have fun……..don’t bother me or ask me a dumb ass question. That’s all I got tonight. West west yo.

  May 25, 2008 · category: random
  
  Posted by Captain Obvious

• Ready to fucking rage

  What up peeps? Captain here and I’m pissed, hate hippies, and want to boink your mom. I’ve got several stories about the young Captain and then Captain now. Like all that third person? First I want to tell a story about when I got chased out of a baseball complex when I was not sober, umping a little league baseball game. It was a hundred freaking degrees and I had already been there for several hours and I was ready to go. So I was behind the plate, kids on second and third with two outs, down by a run. The first pitch was a ball, second a strike, third a foul tip so strike two, two more balls and then it happened. The next pitched bounced like three feet in front of the plate and bounced up into the strike zone. So what did I do. I rung the little bastard up so I could go party again. Well the parents were irate and I wasn’t running because I was scared I was running because of three things. First I wanted to get more unsober, two I didn’t feel like hearing it, and three I was flippin hot. I was supposed to get paid for those games but they must have sent the check to the wrong address. I’m sure it wasn’t because of the other stuff. I have a lot more to this story so I’ll randomly insert them in other post. I’ll insert my penis into your Mom too. So I’m tired of the old days lets talk about current. So today I pissed off a customer really bad to where he cussed at me and told me he was never coming back. Here we go. This guy asked me where we kept the ice packs and I showed him and he said thank you like he was done with me. I was the only one there so I went to help other people or hide in the warehouse. Pick either one. Well I get a call saying this lady and guy needed help in the fitness area so I head that way. I go up to customer service and one of my co workers said this lady needed help with bars for weights and a guy came up asking about………guess what……….yeah ice packs. So I walk over there and ask the lady if she needed help and she told me he was there first. I say I already helped him which he mumbles not very well and I let it go. I help her and get smart with her because she acts like it’s my fault we don’t carry something and says she’s going someplace else. I tell her that’s cool tell them hi for me. Then I turn and say “Listen I showed you where all the ice packs are and you still need help?” He tells me that his wife is in there a week ago and found the one he’s looking for now. So I open up all the different ones we have and we still don’t find it. He keeps going on and on about how his wife found it a week ago. I get tired of it and say if you wife knows where it is then bring her ass in her so she can show me since I work in this department and he thought I didn’t know where it was because his wife told him exactly where it was and we were there and it wasn’t so I don’t get it I guess.  He starts getting pissed and telling me that he didn’t like my attitude and appreciate my comments because his wife just had knee replacement surgery and I wasn’t being nice. I told him I didn’t appreciate his attitude that he thought I didn’t know what I was talking about and I didn’t know his wife had surgery and did I look like Mrs. Cleo or some shit. Anyways to make a long ass story shorter he told me that I was an ass and he was never coming back. I hope when he gets home his wife tells him it was a different store. Stupid bitch. A f’n hippie was in the store today swinging a golf club. An expensive one at that. First of all hippies don’t golf because the ball might hit one of their precious humping buddies……….a tree. Second you don’t have a job so you can’t afford it and all the money you do have you buy drugs with. Take a shower you dirty bastard. I’ve got to go so I can get some sleep. West west yo and if your a druggie, hippie, or neither stick that in your pipe and smoke it.  There’s a rumor Axl turned in the new Guns N Roses album to the record label. I doubt it but if I haven’t said it before then I want my fucking free Dr. Pepper. 

  Apr 16, 2008 · category: f'n raging, people
  
  Posted by Captain Obvious

• One in a Million

  I was listening to that song “One in a Million” by Guns N Roses tonight and Axl Rose (I want my effin Dr. Pepper) uses the “n” word. I remember reading an article about how they only played that song once live. Me and my bro were talking about it and I said Slash was offended because he was half black. My brother said something that is so true. He says………I thought Slash was an Ewok. I actually thought he was too until I read the article. Good stuff. Slash is half white half black by the way. My question is if it offended Slash why didn’t he say something to Axl? Like “you racist bastard…….I’m offended” Oh wait I know why because everyone would have thought he was a vagina if he said that. He could have done the rock star thing and kicked his ass or slept with his girlfriend. I’m watching the NCAA men’s championship game and it’s a great game. I hate Kansas by the way because that’s all you hear about when you live there. But there is bad weather in the area and every time they take a break the weatherman comes on and he’s the biggest douchebag I’ve seen since Bill Walton earlier on TV. He says we’re all in hear yelling for Kansas to win or something gay like that every time. Shut the fuck up and tell me if I need to find shelter bitch. . I’m pretty sure Kansas is going to win  because they have the momentum in overtime. They Jayhawks like it in the cornhole. West west yo.

  Apr 7, 2008 · category: rant
  
  Posted by Captain Obvious

• Huge shocker

  I’m pissed off. Did you ever notice whenever there is a cleaning crew with some dudes in it they look like they just got out of prison. I’m sure they did with their teardrop tattoos and spiderwebs on their elbows. Greatest lyrics I’ve heard in a while are “Won’t you take me to Funkytown?” Where is funkytown? I want to go to just see what it’s like. I’m sure pimps and platform shoes. Watched Meet Joe Black tonight with my friend Bourbon. What a great movie. Never seen it but I love how Brad Pitt is so plain and honest and makes tons of awkward moments. Like after he has sex the chick tells him that it was like making love with a virgin and he says…….thank you. Hah how f’n random is that. I had a piece of paper with all this stuff I wanted to rage about but lost it. I’m watching highlights from pro and college basketball games. You know what I’m sick of seeing. People holding up their own jersey’s and when they yell (lip reading) Let’s go. Let’s go where bitch? Where are we going? I don’t get it. Still want my free Dr. Pepper Axl. Put the fucking album out for the love of the sweet tasting beverage. My hippie friend is quitting his job working with the retards. It’s good for them but damn I’ll miss the entertainment I get from it.  Jose Canseco just shut up. We’re tired of hearing how you hate baseball because you cheated and now you narc out everyone or claim so and so did steroids or HGH. Hey another Viagra commercial……..fan-freaking-tastic. Really? Does anyone even know that the women’s NCAA Tournament is going on. I didn’t but just saw a highlight of some it. i nearly fell asleep.  How many lesbians do you think are in college and pro basketball. I know that’s stereotyping but seriously. Hey Cubs fans. Be happy now before the Cubbies blow the season right after the All-Star break. It happens every year. I still don’t like hippies. I’m so old I pulled a muscle in my shoulder the other night taking off my jacket.  Just saw a commercial for some porn on Dish on Demand. Thank you for the honesty. They say All hot girls and no plot. More later it’s lightning out and I need to turn off the computer. Put that in your pipe and smoke and west west yo.

  Mar 31, 2008 · category: random
  
  Posted by Captain Obvious

• So…….

  I live in a decent sized city and almost offed three deer tonight. Thanks for running in front of my car. Good thing I have reflexes like a ninja or the Captain would have had some deer jerky. I’m all for people hunting……especially deer. PETA can suck my balls. Is there any better song about a hooker than Jane Says by Janes Addiction? I don’t think there is and for Jane if Sergio treats you like a rag doll then come to me because I’ll treat you well. I’ll keep you fed and you do tricks and because of those tricks I get all the money. It’s simple. I learned this from a pimp at IHOP one night. The guy had a purple suit and a white cadillac. Nice. I’m sitting here watching a movie called Navy SEALS with Charlie Sheen and there is a scene where they’re playing golf is some gay ass outfits. The worst part is Bon Jovi doing a cover of “The Boys are Back in Town” I love Bon Jovi but that was bad.  I’ve heard Charlie Sheen used to be real bad into drugs are partying. Apparently he was so bad his friend Slash from Guns N Roses told him he needed help. That’s bad when he has to tell you that. Now there in the ocean in this movie and it makes me uncomfortable because I hate sharks. Granted I don’t live anywhere near an ocean but what are they good for? If you can give me a valid reason I’d like to hear it. Another fucking commercial about taking a pill that gives you a bigger dick. Can we stop these commercials. They just had a black dude on here. What you went from 12 to 14 inches? You like that stereotype don’t you. Yeah you need to deal with the fact that there are reasons for them and you can’t pick and choose which ones people can say. Axl I want my f’n Dr. Pepper. Even if the music sucks you should put the album out so we get something for waiting this long. West west yo.

  Mar 28, 2008 · category: random
  
  Posted by Captain Obvious

• Interesting

  I read this article today about the new Guns N Roses. If they put out the long awaited album (I believe 13 or 14 yrs and 13 million dollars in making it) Chinese Democracy then Dr. Pepper will give everyone in America a free Dr. Pepper. I think the people there are safe but let me tell you something Axl. I want my free Dr. Pepper bitch. Peep the article here. Also at work today an 80 year old man was walking to the golf area with a walker looking to purchase a golf club set for himself……..what? Nice he most likely is a golf shark so if you see him at a course don’t fall for it. I’m sure he drives like Tiger, puts like Phil, and has the mid-range shots like Vijay. West west yo.

  Mar 27, 2008 · category: music, random
  
  Posted by Captain Obvious