Dive into the archives.
- Ready to fucking rage
What up peeps? Captain here and I’m pissed, hate hippies, and want to boink your mom. I’ve got several stories about the young Captain and then Captain now. Like all that third person? First I want to tell a story about when I got chased out of a baseball complex when I was not sober, umping a little league baseball game. It was a hundred freaking degrees and I had already been there for several hours and I was ready to go. So I was behind the plate, kids on second and third with two outs, down by a run. The first pitch was a ball, second a strike, third a foul tip so strike two, two more balls and then it happened. The next pitched bounced like three feet in front of the plate and bounced up into the strike zone. So what did I do. I rung the little bastard up so I could go party again. Well the parents were irate and I wasn’t running because I was scared I was running because of three things. First I wanted to get more unsober, two I didn’t feel like hearing it, and three I was flippin hot. I was supposed to get paid for those games but they must have sent the check to the wrong address. I’m sure it wasn’t because of the other stuff. I have a lot more to this story so I’ll randomly insert them in other post. I’ll insert my penis into your Mom too. So I’m tired of the old days lets talk about current. So today I pissed off a customer really bad to where he cussed at me and told me he was never coming back. Here we go. This guy asked me where we kept the ice packs and I showed him and he said thank you like he was done with me. I was the only one there so I went to help other people or hide in the warehouse. Pick either one. Well I get a call saying this lady and guy needed help in the fitness area so I head that way. I go up to customer service and one of my co workers said this lady needed help with bars for weights and a guy came up asking about………guess what……….yeah ice packs. So I walk over there and ask the lady if she needed help and she told me he was there first. I say I already helped him which he mumbles not very well and I let it go. I help her and get smart with her because she acts like it’s my fault we don’t carry something and says she’s going someplace else. I tell her that’s cool tell them hi for me. Then I turn and say “Listen I showed you where all the ice packs are and you still need help?” He tells me that his wife is in there a week ago and found the one he’s looking for now. So I open up all the different ones we have and we still don’t find it. He keeps going on and on about how his wife found it a week ago. I get tired of it and say if you wife knows where it is then bring her ass in her so she can show me since I work in this department and he thought I didn’t know where it was because his wife told him exactly where it was and we were there and it wasn’t so I don’t get it I guess. He starts getting pissed and telling me that he didn’t like my attitude and appreciate my comments because his wife just had knee replacement surgery and I wasn’t being nice. I told him I didn’t appreciate his attitude that he thought I didn’t know what I was talking about and I didn’t know his wife had surgery and did I look like Mrs. Cleo or some shit. Anyways to make a long ass story shorter he told me that I was an ass and he was never coming back. I hope when he gets home his wife tells him it was a different store. Stupid bitch. A f’n hippie was in the store today swinging a golf club. An expensive one at that. First of all hippies don’t golf because the ball might hit one of their precious humping buddies……….a tree. Second you don’t have a job so you can’t afford it and all the money you do have you buy drugs with. Take a shower you dirty bastard. I’ve got to go so I can get some sleep. West west yo and if your a druggie, hippie, or neither stick that in your pipe and smoke it. There’s a rumor Axl turned in the new Guns N Roses album to the record label. I doubt it but if I haven’t said it before then I want my fucking free Dr. Pepper.
Apr 16, 2008 · category: f'n raging, people
Posted by Captain Obvious
- Is there such thing as a mad hippie?
What up peeps and the answer is yes as ironic as that sounds. My friend that is a hippie was i-fucking-rate the other night. I thought I was a pissed off individual but this guy takes the cake. It’s funny because he’s totally a hippie. He really hates everyone and most likely wants you reading this to die and probably the Captain as well. I feel his pain. Sometimes life is a bitch then you die. I just keep on truckin and raging instead of hitting someone with a two by four. There hasn’t been much raging on the site lately and I’m about to bring it back. I hate white, black, brown, pink, yellow, purple, and pink people all equally. Speaking of equality……..I’m tired of everyone using race, sex, gender, etc….as an excuse for everything. You treat me this way because I’m black, gay, white, tall, fat………..shut the fuck up. The reason we treat you that way is because you’re being a dildo. Not because of that other shit. You want to be treated the same and with respect then do it yourself. I read today where Dr. Phil made 90 million dollars last year. The first thought in my head was………..why? He’s a douche bag people. He needs to be sent to an island along with John Mayer, Oprah, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Lebron James, and every other douche bag in the world. Carmelo Anthony was arrested for a DUI. Why am I the only one not surprised? He’s a fucking thug. Dumbass. West west yo.
Apr 14, 2008 · category: people
Posted by Captain Obvious
- Being “Plan B”
Speaking of the Braves losing the season opener, it’s been a while since I’ve had a real rant on here. Actually it’s been a while since I’ve had anything on here. I’m working on that. So, I’m wondering if there is anyone else out there who knows what it feels like to be “Plan B,” or “C,” etc. Let me explain what I mean.
Let us say that I have a friend, and we both have the same night off from work, and I would really like to see this person. So, as is normal, let us say I call/text/email the person asking “What are you up to later tonight?” For this example, let us say the answer I get is “I dunno, I really don’t have anything planned.” So, of course, I would ask the person (in this case female) if she would like to do something, anything. Here is where it gets sucky. The response that really makes no sense to me goes like this: “Well, let me see what is going on first.”
Didn’t she just say she had no plans? So then why can’t MY plans be “what is going on first?” It’s like she is holding out for a better offer or something. Wow, am I that bad? So, I have now become “Plan B.” So does anyone know what I mean now?
It’s like being someone’s last resort. Whoever it is might as well say “Well, if I have absolutely nothing to do, I guess I’ll settle on hanging out with you.” There’s nothing like being someone’s final, desperate option. I’d rather be lied to than given the run-around.
Well, that’s it. Short and sweet, just like Captain’s rooster.
Thank you. Good night, and good evening.
Apr 2, 2008 · category: people, random, rant, stupid
Posted by John Daniels
- The future of our country?
Speaking of street sweepers, I’ve noticed at a few Taco Bell locations that they are now “Hiring future leaders.” Really? Leaders of what, our country? I sure hope not. If you can’t get “NO LETTUCE” correct, then how are you ever going to lead anything? I wonder how many of our current political leaders, business leaders, and other important figures started out at Taco Bell?
Thank you. Good night, and good evening.
Mar 17, 2008 · category: just something to think about, life, people
Posted by John Daniels
- What?
My roomate didn’t cook tonight. That bastard. The end. West west yo.
Mar 16, 2008 · category: people
Posted by Captain Obvious
- Yeah
Word up people. I have a few things to talk about today. I got my taxes done today and it was good. I get more money than I thought I would back. I saw one of the hottest girls I’ve ever seen (no I didn’t get her number or even try because I’m a total pussy) . A few things that bothered me about it. These are volunteers and you have to wait your turn. That’s fine it’s free and I get that. But to the lady that tried to bribe the lady who announced who would be next f off. Your ass should have gotten there earlier. I hate people that expect things to happen because of whatever reason. If you have the money to bribe then you should go to H & R Block ho. Word up to the lady that was like “uhhhh no” you have to wait like everyone else. Denied bitch. Second after the person was done with you they had a 90 year old guy (I think he had the first New York Knicks jacket ever made. It was awesome) check to see if they did it right. Talk about kind of scary. My roomate volunteers at this place and he said old guy was the smartest one there so I’m satisfied. I was driving home from the tax place and was about to turn into the next lane and some guy starts speeding up then whips into the lane I was just in because he was in a hurry. As he was driving by I decide to show him my middle finger because he was being a douche bag. He looks over at me and see’s me flipping him off and he laughs. I like people like this who don’t take themselves seriously and realize he was being kind of a dildo. Just saw a creepy Burger King commercial where this bed starts talking to this guy because he’s about to get some cheesy tator tots or something. Very disturbing. If you see it coming on turn the channel. Speaking of commercials I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t disapointed at the Super Bowl commercials. Step it up. If you’re a male and haven’t seen Tombstone then you’re gay, communist, or a fucktard. End of story. There’s no way around it. April 8 is when P.O.D.’s new album comes out. I can’t tell you how excited I am about it. Last thing I want to talk about is the blog Tom Collins put up about 50 best blogs or whatever. I hope one day fourwrongs is on there but this statement speaks directly towards me and I might be the downfall of that opportunity to happen. Here’s the quote about a blogger they like ”particularly since the blog’s voice is literate, sober and inquiring, unlike much of the red-faced ranting found elsewhere online” That’s pretty much the opposite of what I do except for the “red-faced ranting found elsewhere online” . Oh well. West west yo.
Mar 12, 2008 · category: Driving Woes, life, people, random, rant
Posted by Captain Obvious
- Longest rage of my life
Give me fuel, give me fire, give me though which I desire. If that doesn’t make you want to drive 100 mph and run over anything in your way such as people, animals, or other cars then you’re a hippie. Fuel by Metallica is a great song. Speaking of Metallica I have a few things to say about one currently with them and one former member. Lars even though you’re a Dutch ass bastard and kind of talk like a bitch you’re a bad ass drummer. I forgive you for your dorky Napster flipouts. Jason Newsted is a midget with short man complex. He was everyone’s punk bitch in Metallica so he went and started a band with some teenagers because he thought they couldn’t beat his ass. How’d that turn out for you? Then you do Rockstar Supernova with Gilby Clarke and Tommy Lee and try to tell the people auditioning how to sing. What do you know about being a lead singer? Then you guys pick the worst guy to front your band because he was 4 ft 2 in so about one inch shorter than you. How did the Supernova thing work out for you? Yeah that’s what I thought. You should have grown some balls and stood up in Metallica and maybe you wouldn’t have to be in crappy bands anymore and they would have respected you more. Random thing. I’m on my way back to work from lunch and I’m at a stoplight and this Mexican is in the left turn lane right by me just staring I look over at him and go “green in Spanish” because I don’t know really how to say it and he looks at the light and takes off. The only colors in Spanish I know are blanca and negro which is white and black. Let me just throw this out there too. Can I get a standing ovation for all the hot moms out there? I see them at work all the time. Damn there’s just something about them. I got a few sports things to talk about too. Brett Farve retired today. I liked that guy even though I’m a Cowboys fan. How could you not like a guy that played the game like it should be played and acted like a kid. Plus he’s in There’s Something About Mary and when Ben Stiller tries to pronounce his name…….classic because everyone wonders why it isn’t said the way it’s spelled. I want to talk about Danika Patrick who has pretty much become the Anna Kournikova of racing meaning she sucks at her sport but nobody cares because she’s hot. I know she doesn’t do NASCAR anymore (giving love to NASCAR for my boy Tom Collins) but she still races and all I’ve ever seen her do besides be smoking hot is complain about other drivers. Quite bitching and win a race. If I hear you complain one more time then I’m going to have to do something naughty to you. Oh wait go ahead and complain then. If no naughty even if you do complain then shut up ho. Nobody wants to hear it anymore. I’m still waiting on my roomate to take me to Hidaway Pizza. Waiting for two days now and really disapointed. I don’t want to have to kick you out but I will. Now a rage everyone can relate to. Almost nothing pisses me off more than when you go to a gas station to get one thing that won’t take very long and the person in front of you has 499 scratch off lottery tickets. Are you f’n kidding me? All I want to do is buy this Orange Fanta and I have to wait for you to decide what scratch off tickets you want from your winnings. Go run in front a car instead of making a line of 70 people who just want to buy something quick. You people are just under hippies and it’s so close it scares me. I know everyone has dealt with that. If I offend you get over it. West west yo.
Mar 4, 2008 · category: music, people, random
Posted by Captain Obvious
- Attention social retards
Back in the chair making it sexy once again trying not to freeze my balls off. Major weather change. Good thing I shaved my head. Great timing. I want to talk about social retards. We all know them. The people who have no social skills at all. The one’s that make everything uncomfortable and awkward. They make statements that make no sense at all at the time. Like for example. Say someone’s Mom just died and everyone knows about it in a big group you’re in and they say for everyone to hear “sucks about your Mom dude, I don’t know how you deal with it” or they pick that as a good time to drop a Mom joke on them. Then there are the other type of social retards that push things when it’s obvious you don’t want to talk about it for whatever reason. Say you just got out of prison and they ask you about it. You say it’s over now and I really don’t want to talk about it and they keep pushing and ask “why don’t you want to talk about it”. You get so tired of it you finally tell them you got butt pediddled and it was unpleasant. Then they’re like I’m sorry man I feel bad for asking. Hey dildo, can you not get a hint? If you felt that bad you would have got the hint something bad happened and the person didn’t want to talk about it long before he even told you why. I’m tired of gas prices. Why don’t we just take over the oil industry in the middle east and get it over with. Don’t give me all that politically correct and hippie bs. I’m not politically correct, I say retard, fag, and midget. Get over it. I’m watching ESPN again and they had David Tyree of the New York Giants call in and talk to them. If you don’t know he made one of the greatest catches in history at the Super Bowl. He had a defender all over him and kept hold of the ball with fingertips and his helmet. Anyway they were asking if he thought that play was the greatest sports highlight of all time (Editor’s note: They’ve been having a series were fans vote for the greatest highlight of all time and it just finished with the Miracle on Ice shot in the Olympics when they American’s defeated the heavily favored Russians during the Cold War). He didn’t even know what that play was. Are you a Communist bastard David Tyree? I mean I’m not saying I love or watch hockey (I do like when they drop the gloves and fight) but it’s been shown 8 billion times since I’ve been alive. It was a huge moment in sports history and American history. We showed the damn Russians what was up on that day. One thing that annoys me almost more than anything is not knowing the history of the things you are passionate about. Get some old school in your life people. Now Dick Vitale is on ESPN. I’m sorry I know he’s been a big part of college basketball and done a lot for the game but he kind of annoys me. AWESOME BABY. Yeah we get it Dick. West, west yo.
Mar 3, 2008 · category: people
Posted by Captain Obvious
