Dive into the archives.


  • Hillary Clinton is full of crap.

    Alright, I’m sorry. That probably wasn’t politically correct. What I should have said is, apparently Hillary Clinton’s memory isn’t perfect. Of course she isn’t an effing liar. That would be absurd to think.

    imageMar 31, 2008 · category: Election '08, video

    Posted by Tom Collins

  • Huge shocker

    I’m pissed off. Did you ever notice whenever there is a cleaning crew with some dudes in it they look like they just got out of prison. I’m sure they did with their teardrop tattoos and spiderwebs on their elbows. Greatest lyrics I’ve heard in a while are “Won’t you take me to Funkytown?” Where is funkytown? I want to go to just see what it’s like. I’m sure pimps and platform shoes. Watched Meet Joe Black tonight with my friend Bourbon. What a great movie. Never seen it but I love how Brad Pitt is so plain and honest and makes tons of awkward moments. Like after he has sex the chick tells him that it was like making love with a virgin and he says…….thank you. Hah how f’n random is that. I had a piece of paper with all this stuff I wanted to rage about but lost it. I’m watching highlights from pro and college basketball games. You know what I’m sick of seeing. People holding up their own jersey’s and when they yell (lip reading) Let’s go. Let’s go where bitch? Where are we going? I don’t get it. Still want my free Dr. Pepper Axl. Put the fucking album out for the love of the sweet tasting beverage. My hippie friend is quitting his job working with the retards. It’s good for them but damn I’ll miss the entertainment I get from it.  Jose Canseco just shut up. We’re tired of hearing how you hate baseball because you cheated and now you narc out everyone or claim so and so did steroids or HGH. Hey another Viagra commercial……..fan-freaking-tastic. Really? Does anyone even know that the women’s NCAA Tournament is going on. I didn’t but just saw a highlight of some it. i nearly fell asleep.  How many lesbians do you think are in college and pro basketball. I know that’s stereotyping but seriously. Hey Cubs fans. Be happy now before the Cubbies blow the season right after the All-Star break. It happens every year. I still don’t like hippies. I’m so old I pulled a muscle in my shoulder the other night taking off my jacket.  Just saw a commercial for some porn on Dish on Demand. Thank you for the honesty. They say All hot girls and no plot. More later it’s lightning out and I need to turn off the computer. Put that in your pipe and smoke and west west yo.

    imageMar 31, 2008 · category: random

    Posted by Captain Obvious

  • What is that noise?

    Speaking of ignorance, I cannot tell if this is a cruel joke, lack of self-awareness, or maybe some sort of exercise in boldness/overcoming insecurities.  The dancing guy is amazing.  He probably gets more girls than I do.

    Thank you.  Good night, and good evening.

    imageMar 28, 2008 · category: Funny, Humor, music

    Posted by John Daniels

  • So…….

    I live in a decent sized city and almost offed three deer tonight. Thanks for running in front of my car. Good thing I have reflexes like a ninja or the Captain would have had some deer jerky. I’m all for people hunting……especially deer. PETA can suck my balls. Is there any better song about a hooker than Jane Says by Janes Addiction? I don’t think there is and for Jane if Sergio treats you like a rag doll then come to me because I’ll treat you well. I’ll keep you fed and you do tricks and because of those tricks I get all the money. It’s simple. I learned this from a pimp at IHOP one night. The guy had a purple suit and a white cadillac. Nice. I’m sitting here watching a movie called Navy SEALS with Charlie Sheen and there is a scene where they’re playing golf is some gay ass outfits. The worst part is Bon Jovi doing a cover of “The Boys are Back in Town” I love Bon Jovi but that was bad.  I’ve heard Charlie Sheen used to be real bad into drugs are partying. Apparently he was so bad his friend Slash from Guns N Roses told him he needed help. That’s bad when he has to tell you that. Now there in the ocean in this movie and it makes me uncomfortable because I hate sharks. Granted I don’t live anywhere near an ocean but what are they good for? If you can give me a valid reason I’d like to hear it. Another fucking commercial about taking a pill that gives you a bigger dick. Can we stop these commercials. They just had a black dude on here. What you went from 12 to 14 inches? You like that stereotype don’t you. Yeah you need to deal with the fact that there are reasons for them and you can’t pick and choose which ones people can say. Axl I want my f’n Dr. Pepper. Even if the music sucks you should put the album out so we get something for waiting this long. West west yo.

    imageMar 28, 2008 · category: random

    Posted by Captain Obvious

  • Interesting

    I read this article today about the new Guns N Roses. If they put out the long awaited album (I believe 13 or 14 yrs and 13 million dollars in making it) Chinese Democracy then Dr. Pepper will give everyone in America a free Dr. Pepper. I think the people there are safe but let me tell you something Axl. I want my free Dr. Pepper bitch. Peep the article here. Also at work today an 80 year old man was walking to the golf area with a walker looking to purchase a golf club set for himself……..what? Nice he most likely is a golf shark so if you see him at a course don’t fall for it. I’m sure he drives like Tiger, puts like Phil, and has the mid-range shots like Vijay. West west yo.

    imageMar 27, 2008 · category: music, random

    Posted by Captain Obvious

  • Keepin it real

    I’m dirty, mean and mighty unclean

    I’m a wanted man

    Public enemy number one

    Understand

    So lock up your daughter

    Lock up your wife

    Lock up your back door

    and run for your life

    the man is back in town

    so don’t mess around

    cause I’m TNT. I’m dynamite

    (TNT) and I’ll win the fight

    (TNT) I’m a power load

    (TNT) watch me explode

    Can you get anymore kick ass than AC/DC? I don’t know. They just epitomize rock and roll and just kicking you in the face. I had a girl tell me she didn’t like me at work the other day. I replied with I don’t care. What are you 10 telling someone you don’t like them and giving them the stink eye. It wasn’t scary or intimidating at all. I’ve got better things to do than have a battle of wits with someone who isn’t equipped. You think I would go home and feel bad because you said that? Dumb. Grow up. I’m watching Around the Horn and this white guy started getting PC and saying the NFL is being racist against black people because they want people not to have long hair. Yeah right because no white guy in the NFL has long hair. Douche bag should be banned from the show. He’s just trying to make some noise to get publicity. One more thing. People have started assuming stuff about me for whatever reason. I appreciate those who ask the source and not ask everyone but them. You shouldn’t assume. It’s makes an ass out of you…………not me. Get my joke or is it over your head? Whatever……….west west yo.

    imageMar 26, 2008 · category: music, random

    Posted by Captain Obvious

  • Tired of watching regular “human” porn? Now you can watch slugs having sex instead. And as a bonus, it’s narrated by David Attenborough.

    DISCLAIMER: This is not actually porn.

    imageMar 26, 2008 · category: video

    Posted by Tom Collins

  • Line Rider

    You may remember John’s earlier post about Line Rider 2 - a fantastic game where you draw your own track for a tiny bike to ride on.

    Well I first heard about this game quite some time ago (October of 2006, to be specific) over at kottke.org. Well over the past couple of years, thousands of people have created their own elaborate Line Rider tracks and uploaded them to youtube. Jason Kottke has uploaded several of the better ones, which you can see by clicking here.

    However, the most elaborate one that I’ve ever seen, and perhaps the god of all Line Rider videos, is this one by TechDawg. Enjoy.

    (via kottke)

    imageMar 25, 2008 · category: random, video

    Posted by Tom Collins

  • …Sans Garfield…

    Speaking of salsa, here is an archive of “Garfield” comic strips that have had Garfield completely removed.  The great thing is that they are actually funnier than the normal cartoons, it seems.  But also, some tend to be way depressing.  But that’s funny, right?

    Thank you.  Good night, and good evening.

    imageMar 25, 2008 · category: Funny, Humor

    Posted by John Daniels

  • BBC tries to erase their obviously blatant attempt to ridicule President Bush

    There is something fishy going on at the BBC:

    Exhibiting a thoroughness worthy of Orwell’s Ministry of Truth, the BBC has been busy erasing all traces of the corporation’s blatantly dishonest reporting of President Bush’s speech on the fifth anniversary of the Iraq invasion…

    …On Wednesday the BBC reported the speech under the headline ‘Bush speech hails Iraq “victory”‘. The headline was supported by the following sentence in the story:

    He said recent troop reinforcements had brought about “a major strategic victory in the broader war on terror”.

    However, this isn’t what Bush said. What he said was:

    The surge has done more than turn the situation in Iraq around – it has opened the door to a major strategic victory in the broader war on terror.

    Mike, over at The Monkey Tennis Centre, first blogged the incident on Thursday and emailed it around, namely to Little Green Footballs. After showing up on LGF, and getting a little press covereage, the BBC apparently realized that the public weren’t as stupid as they thought, and began quickly changing the quote anywhere they had referenced it (which, apparently, was in a lot of places.)

    Mike documents, with screen captures, all of the sly (or not-so-sly, depending on how you look at it) changes the BBC made to their website. It’s really quite an interesting read.

    (via Little Green Footballs)

    imageMar 25, 2008 · category: Articles, politics

    Posted by Tom Collins

  • Will this Judd Apatow Movie Be Any Good? Vulture section of New York magazine does the math for us in this nifty article.

    I have to admit that I kind of disagree with at least one bit of their math. I happened to love Anchorman. I think it’s one of Will Ferrell’s best. But hey, that’s just me.

    Update: Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks that Anchorman is awesome. It seems that quite a few people wrote in the comments of the last article voicing their love for Anchorman:

    The comments section of our Judd Apatow math-o-matic post has been buzzing with readers — including some Benedict Mathis-Arnolds on our very own staff — politely calling us idiots for calling Anchorman just an okay movie. In the comments, the Will Ferrell comedy gets called “classic,” “classique,” and “fucking incredible,” and the thread has become something of an Anchorman quote-o-rama.

    Of course, they still aren’t admitting that it’s an awesome film, but at least they’re pointing out that most of their readers do.

    imageMar 24, 2008 · category: Articles, Films

    Posted by Tom Collins

  • what up?

    I’m sitting here on Easter Sunday watching the NCAA tournament and realized something. The crowd has 70,000 white people in it (including coaches) and in the game there’s only two (with one or two on the bench). And they’re big men. You know 6 ft 10 and goofy. Which brings me to another topic about sports and black people. Tiger Woods is mixed and black people claim him as black when he doesn’t say himself I’m a full on black man. If he wasn’t the best player in the world would you? If he played like John Daily would you? No and if he had Daily’s problems you would say we were racist because the only reason we bring it up is because he’s black.  Race card is so overplayed. It’s become the boy who cries wolf. I don’t see you claiming John Amaechi.It might be because he’s a fag though. I’m not sure because I don’t know what you think. Why has my font changed? Eh I’m too lazy to deal with it. I’m tired of seeing white people who act “black”. Be yourself douchebag. You just look like an idiot. Don’t tell me it’s the generation. It’s because you want to be something you’re not. Speak American not ebonics. Excuse me why I put on my Jay-Z album and pull down my pants and say fo shizzle a bunch. I remember when it wasn’t cool to just like things because other people did. Be yourself people. Don’t act a certain way because you’ll fit in or because Oprah tells you it should be that way.You didn’t grow up in Compton and go to the swap meet every weekend. Oprah has a billion dollars you think she’s just like everyone else. No she’s making money because you believe her stupid ass. Yeah I said it……..even with the possibility of every woman boycotting me. Suck a cock. Oprah I’ll listen to what you say for two things. That would be if you gave me some money and …….yeah that’s it. Other than that you’re stupid. Hey Oprah said it……..must be true. Dumb ass people who can’t think for themselves. In JT’s words “What Goes Around Comes Around” and it will come back on you. Yeah I made a Justin Timberlake reference. My man card has been revoked for 5 minutes. On that note men who drink fruity mixed drinks need to be tattooed with the word mangina on their forehead. I was listening to the radio earlier and I’m not a big Nickelback fan because they’re overplayed but I gave it a chance and listened to that Rockstar song. Have you ever noticed that weird dude in the background saying stuff that goes along with the lyrics. Chad Kroger says something about sign a few autographs to get my meal for free and this weird dude says “I want Quesadilla’s” or some Mexican food. F’n weird. You need to listen to “Leader of Men”. That’s their best song. I miss the intense music like Rage Against the Machine, Limp Bizkit, and all that stuff. When did everything turn bitch. I need some angry music. Some rebellion if you will. Give me something I can throw my middle finger up to and stick it to the man. America has turned bitch with all this “PC” bullshit. Let your balls drop guys. Women grow some tits. I’m tired of holding back. I keep way to much in but now you’ll hear all about it. I hope this offends some people because your hippie ass needs it. Go hump a fucking tree. West west yo.

    imageMar 23, 2008 · category: random

    Posted by Captain Obvious

  • A taste of Grandma’s Boy

    Here’s one of the many funny scene’s from the movie I’m obsessed with. You need to just buy it. Don’t even rent it. Okay you can rent it if you want. Peep it here.

    imageMar 23, 2008 · category: Movie

    Posted by Captain Obvious

  • Two beers

    What up peeps? I’m going to be serious for a minute then we’ll get to the stuff you really want to read. I’ve lost two of my best friends in the last couple of months but it wasn’t anything due to death. It’s because they don’t agree with how I am or got into stuff and feel uncomfortable talking to me. That sucks. Thank God I’ve made some friends that are ok with me and feel comfortable enough with themselves. This is for the ladies. If you find a nice guy. Don’t fuck it up. You deserve the jerk that treats you like shit if you keep going to them instead of the guy who would treat you well. I have no sympathy for you. Don’t cry to me. I went to Bourbon’s school of caring and he showed me the way. All I have to offer to people now is the middle finger. Now let me talk about some other stuff.  First I’m still tired of male enhancement commercials. I like all the inuendo’s. See a big difference. Really………..I’m sorry you can’t get a hard……yeah no I’m not. If you’re a hot woman and your man can’t get it up get in touch with me.  I want to talk about Asian’s in America. I thought you were supposed to be smart. Quit sending all the dumb ones here. We’ve got enough retards . We had people get a ping-pong table and half the time they were talking in Chinese to each other instead of believing what we say. I don’t speak the language but I’m sure they were saying these stupid American’s don’t know what they’re talking about. America………can you say it? Speakie American in America. Stupid bastards. You’re dumb and no wonder they sent you over here. In China they’d beat your ass.  On my way home I heard some Journey “Don’t Stop Believing”. I don’t know what they’re talking about but if it’s people then count me out. I don’t trust hardly anyone and recently I’ve been shown more reason why than ever. Fuck you. I hope it comes back to yout stupid asses. This isn’t even funny. I’m just pissed. I’m done. Maybe funny will come back later. I’m not even going to end it with my normal stuff because this sucks. Later bitches.

    imageMar 23, 2008 · category: stupid

    Posted by Captain Obvious

  • A quick one

    Wish I hadn’t heard that a lot in my life. I want to start off with saying I was shown this kid walking out of IHOP when the four wrongs met up tonight. He had a huge pot leaf on his sweatshirt. Alright hippie. First of all I’m sure when you walk into a place with it on your Mom would be proud. Second I’m sure the people there think this is great you know he’s going to get a lot of food but after he leaves they get pissed because he didn’t leave a tip because he bought weed and food and didn’t have any more money. Third I’m sure that if a cop pulls you over he will be convinced that you smoke pot or know where to get some even if you deny it but you’re to stupid to think like that because your brain is fried. I wonder when you get really high if you try to roll up your sweatshirt and smoke it…………..doper. Also as I was driving home I see a car stopped with it’s hazards flashing and a cop just drove on by it. Was Dunkin Doughnuts getting low on chocolate eclairs? What are you for if you don’t help people? Please being at a bakery isn’t helping anyone because everyone knows you’re there and won’t try to rob the place. Right after that at a stoplight a female raced me when I didn’t know we were. You win lady. You have a bigger dick than me. Congrats on that. Insert chick having a bigger dick than me jokes here. I’m sure your boyfriend would like to know that but if you’re racing people you probably don’t have one. I heard a song by Xtina (I know it’s Christina Aguilara but I call her that because she seemed naughty when she went through that phase) on the way home called What a Girl Wants………yeah that’s great but what a guy wants is for you to not talk, get naked, do sexual things to him, and wants your money. That’s it. End of story. Sorry to burst your bubble. I also heard Carrie Underwood’s Before He Cheats. Whoever would cheat on you is a fucktard anyway. Captain will treat you right. I know you didn’t write the song and it’s not true but I’m just saying. West west yo.

    imageMar 21, 2008 · category: music, random

    Posted by Captain Obvious

  • Something is broken

    Oh yeah it’s my give a fuck meter. If you don’t like profanity and people who don’t make sense then stop reading now. First off today is my day off from work. I’m thinking it’s going to be relaxing day.  I couldn’t be more f’n wrong. First off I go to get my oil changed at the Honda dealership and have to wait for 50 minutes to get done. During that time I had to listen to a couple of old guys talk without breathing the whole time (how did you not pass out from lack of oxygen?). I seriously think they hang out there a lot or something. The random topics they talked about was amazing. From the war they were in to how they country is gone to hell to teachers in schools to all the health problems they have. I’m not going into detail about all the things they were talking about I’m just going to tell you I will shoot myself before I talk about what they had to do to me at the doctors office and what they shoved up my arse and what not. Everybody does not want to hear that kind of shit.  I had a headache by then and I swear they never shut up. They were loud because they couldn’t hear each other. Fuck. Besides that one of their wives was there and she was knitting so there was a clicking noise the whole time. I love how she piped in with her comments every now and then. We had enough noise with your annoying clicking so you could have shut your f’n mouth and I would have been fine. Oh………Captain give them a break they’re old. Fuck that. Nobody is safe. I don’t like young, old, or the in between the same. Don’t get me wrong some old people are cool but these people were annoying. Then when I talked to the lady at the cash out office she tells me I need three new tires. Apparently my back rear tire is so bad I should have died 100 times already or that’s how they made it sound. So I get an estimate and realize that they are trying to stick it in the uncomfortable spot……..that’s right the wallet……….what were you thinking pervert? So I go down the street and get another estimate. Then I call my roommate and he calls a place and finds the best deal. By now I’m so pissed I’m running red lights to get there so they can get my tires done and alignment. First they tell me it will be two hours. Now they say it might not get done by the time they close. Fucking car places. I hate them all. I don’t care if you work there, someone you love you works there, or that they’re human. Fuck them all. So now I’m waiting until 5:30 to see if it will be done tonight. Doesn’t it seem like every-time you get your tax refund back you can’t save it all this shit happens and you have to pay for something to get fixed. F’n government messed up my tires by not having good roads so I couldn’t save my tax money. I hate you bastards. I work at a retail place right now and I have a complaint with people who try to cut deals. No if you buy two treadmills you’re not going to get a price break. We’re not the fucking Compton swap meet. You are bitches and if you want to be a penny pincher (why would they Bourbon? It has that rat bastard Abe Lincoln on them) you need to go somewhere else. I’m done. F off and west west yo.

    imageMar 20, 2008 · category: f'n raging

    Posted by Captain Obvious

  • What was he thinking?

    Speaking of Frosted Flakes, to continue on with the theme of “Shut the heck up, you CANNOT sing,” I think we’ve all seen this happen at least once.  First of all, he has a podium in front of him, and he keeps looking down at SOMETHING.  Surely it isn’t the words to the song, because that would be too obvious!  And if they are the words, he STILL got them wrong!

    Thank you.  Good night, and good evening.

    imageMar 20, 2008 · category: Funny, Humor, music, video

    Posted by John Daniels

  • Awareness test

    Awareness test: Try to count the number of passes the team in white makes.

    This might be the best Public Service Announcement ever.

    (via break.com)

    imageMar 18, 2008 · category: ads, video

    Posted by Tom Collins

  • Did you ever…………

    Have one of those days where nothing goes right? I had one of those days yesterday. One of those times when as soon as you wake up you realize you don’t have coffee (or the kind you don’t really want) or drugs or whatever. You get your coffee made (that was the only kind you had which you don’t like very much) and you sit down to read the newspaper and spill it on your bare legs and the paper when it’s 200 degrees. So you burn your legs and can’t even read the articles. Example for drug addicts. You wake up and don’t have any stuff so you have to jack some shit then don’t get the price you want for it at the pawn shop and after you purchase the drugs you get pulled over and arrested without even getting high. Then you have to go to prison and live in fear of getting butt lovin and being someone’s bitch.  Speaking of bitches I know Michael Jackson has made several boys his bitch allegedly but his older music is so good. I’m listening to Smooth Criminal. If you like that song then you need to also check out Alien Ant Farm’s version which is also good. More useless information for you if you didn’t know Eddie Van Halen is playing the guitar on Beat It. Insert sexual innuendo’s here. Who doesn’t when they hear someone talking about this song? I thought of several and even laughed when I’m the only one around. No you’re a douchebag and I’ll add hippie for those who are thinking that about me right now. I was informed that our program has spellcheck so I’ll do that for all those who get annoyed with spelling that is not correct. I won’t worry about proper English though.  I was talking to a friend earlier about a part in the Adam Sandler movie Little Nicky which nobody seems to like but me. I’ll give you as brief of an account as I can. So Little Nicky (Adam Sandler) needs his friends to kill him so he can go back to hell to see his Dad who is the devil. So these two metal-heads say they want to do it and they grab his head and slam it hard against the counter. They ask the few people that are there is he dead and Adam Sandler says……No that just really fucking hurt. Classic. Underrated movie in my book. I miss Chris Farley. He was so funny but was really troubled. Why are some of the most talented people troubled? It doesn’t seem fair at times. You need to watch Grandma’s Boy if you haven’t. It’s such a funny movie but hardly anyone has seen it. I have a lot of references in my blogs so you might not get it. I’m acting like a ton of people read these but I can dream right? Hey dildo from the other night……did you change your watch yet? Bitch. West west yo.

    imageMar 18, 2008 · category: Celebrities, life, music, random, rant

    Posted by Captain Obvious

  • My new addiction…

    Speaking of people who need to learn that if you invite someone somewhere, you tell them when, and don’t just ditch them, or leave them standing outside for 30 minutes, I have found a new addiction.  No, it isn’t Tawainese prostitutes, Tom.  It is a game called Free Rider 2.  Pretty simple, but actually pretty amazing.  It’s like “Excitebike” only better, in my opinion, and also more insane.  It functions almost like Crayon Physics, which I wrote about before, except gravity isn’t the only force in play.  Try it out.  The controls take some getting used to, but I literally stayed up all night drawing tracks and trying to get through without wrecking.  Someone save me.

     Thank you. Good night, and good evening.

    imageMar 18, 2008 · category: Games, internet games

    Posted by John Daniels

  • Word to your moms son

    Guess who is back in the motherf’n house with a fat rant for your motherf’n mouth. Not the real lyrics but you get the idea. First thing I want to talk about is customers at the job I work at. Yes I ended that sentence with a preposition. First yesterday two dudes that were gay came in and bought a treadmill. Then tried fitting it in a Honda car. Yeah not so much. Then I told the guy he had to return the treadmill or come right back because we can’t hold it for them and he gets attitude with me and says…………I wouldn’t expect you to (pretty sure he’s the catcher in the relationship. Word up to John for that one.)  and then I say hey you don’t have to give me f’n attitude and walked off like I had big man parts because I told a fag off. Yes I’m huge. Second we close at 7 p.m. on Sundays and there was a guy strolling with his kid up and down not concerned we were closed. I get fed up and tell him the registar is about to close. He says what in 40 minutes. I tell him no in 2. He says…….what time do you close? I tell him 7 and he says it’s 6:20 to where I tell him it’s 7:20 and he gets red faced and realizes he forgot to set his clock a flippin week ago. Were you late all week to work buddy? F’n loser. By the way thanks to John Daniels for letting me know that night to move my clock foward or I might have been late to work for a week. I’ve been trying to be calm and not get mad about stuff lately but I had to get some rage out tonight. So I’ll end it with fuck, damn, douche, ass, bastard and a west west yo.

    imageMar 18, 2008 · category: rant

    Posted by Captain Obvious

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